Making a drink and selling a drink are two different skills. Both are haunted by the same problem: buzzwords.
Producers wants to communicate value. Buyers wants to feel like they’ve gotten value. Every bartender, retailer, wholesaler, and customer wants to know what makes a bottle worth backing. Fair enough. That is the job.
The problem is that everyone reaches for the same language. Nobody wants to be dull or offensive, so a uniform lexicon emerges, a homogeneous factory line of safe bets. These words are not always wrong. That is what makes them annoying. Plenty of drinks are genuinely innovative. Some producers do work by hand.
But when everyone says the same thing, nobody says anything. Here’s some of the worst drinks buzzwords offenders.
So premium. So luxury. It must be good.
The Drinks Buzzwords You’re Sick Of Hearing
Artisan: Wants to mean made with care. Doesn’t guarantee it though. But hey, why tell us what skill, method, or human judgement actually changed the drink when you can slap a buzzword on it?
Authentic: Oh yeah, this is so real. Absolutely. The realest. Authentic it is. Now stop asking questions. If Del Boy would say it, you shouldn’t. Kosher?
Award-winning: Which awards? Name them. And what medal did you get? Bronze at a tasting where only three brands entered is the worst flex since I tried yoga. Why did I wear jeans and Timberlands?
Botanical-led: Every gin is botanical-led, mate. Tell us which botanicals lead, what they taste like, and why they matter.
Craft: The word that launched a thousand faux-small brands. If you’re independent, show us your org chart. Producing on a small scale? Give us a number. Making a drink with love? Show, don’t tell.
Curated: Selected, but with a silk scarf. Who did the choosing, by what criteria, and why should anyone trust them?
Experiential/Immersive: Yeah what the fuck are we even doing at this point. What will the customer actually do, feel, taste, or remember? All I hear when people say this is that the event is going to be loud. With neon. And foam.
Foraged: Sounds good, suggests ingredients that reflect somewhere local and lovely. Now imagine hosing dog shit off your wellies after grabbing nettles without gloves. Still foraging technically, innit?
Just imagine the drinks buzzwords this guy is cooking up
The list goes on…
Hand…: Handcrafted. Handmade. Lovely, but hands can do many things, including slap labels on a contract-distilled bottle.
Honest: A drink cannot lie. A label can. Transparency belongs here too. If you’re genuine, that’s good. If you pick and choose what to be direct about…
Innovative: Never been seen before. Apart from the other 100 times. If it was genuinely new, you’d just tell us why, wouldn’t you?
Luxury: As with so many of these. By. What. Metric. A bottle of Monster left behind a radiator for a fortnight is the height of luxury to somebody who hasn’t had a drink in days.
Natural: Another slippery word. There are plenty of things are naturally occuring that are awful. Wasps, for example. Want a Wasp Martini? No, obviously not. Not every “natural” ingredient is automatically the highest quality, and few are sourced ethically.
Small batch: Size is relative. Small compared with what? A tanker, a bathtub? Tell us the batch size and then explain why the scale matters to flavour or quality.
Sustainable: Overused into mush. It’s great if it’s real, but don’t be the greenwasher. See also eco-friendly. And organic is not a synonym, by the way.
Traditional: Time honoured and loved. Or you haven’t changed anything because nobody wanted to make a decision. Explain the tradition and why it still works.
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